August 10, 2022

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The 10 Funniest Quotes From The 1995 Film

As far as movie adaptations of video games go, Mortal Kombat was easier to stomach than most. Though it hasn’t aged well over the course of the last 25 years, it’s still one of the more entertaining films based on a game franchise. Part of this has to do with an enthusiastic script, over-the-top fight scenes, and a healthy dose of hilarious quotes to cut the bleakness of the story.

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Plenty of characters in the film have a lot to say; some inspiring, others intellectual, and a few that made audiences roll their eyes and chuckle. It’s time to look back on this sci-fi martial arts flick and pay respects to the quotes from Mortal Kombat that garnered the best belly-laughs from start to finish.

10 “Spare Him, My Lord Raiden! American Life Has Enfeebled His Mind! Too Much Television!”

Liu Kang insults Raiden

It’s safe to say that Liu Kang never started out as a believer. He might have been trained by the White Lotus Society, but he certainly didn’t think far beyond the rudiments of their martial arts teachings. Suggestions of an interdimensional tournament involving supernatural forces seemed preposterous to him.

When Raiden showed up to give Liu Kang a crash course on the fate of the Earth realm, he immediately resisted it. One of the wise monks begged Raiden for forgiveness on his behalf with this rather hilarious quote that is probably half-true, at the very least.

9 “If You So Much As Touch Her, Kano…You’re Going To Need A Seeing Eye Dog.”

Kano vs. Shang Tsung

Kano and Sonya have a bitter history in both the movies and video games, and it all started when he offed her partner in gruesome fashion before escaping justice. His involvement with Shang Tsung was designed to lure her to the tournament in the hopes that Tsung would have a backup plan to win and take over Earth realm.

However, Tsung also held a strong attraction towards Sonya, and his possessive nature became apparent almost immediately. When Kano suggested “sharing a cabin” together aboard Tsung’s sail barge, he replied with this comment that left the one-eyed Kano more than a little perturbed.

8 “Huh. Thank God I Didn’t Ask Him To Park The Car!”

Johnny Cage loses his luggage

Johnny Cage epitomized the elitism and arrogance of big-screen Hollywood actors. This didn’t bode well when he was forced to deal with a real-world devoid of limousine drivers, agents, and lucrative sponsorship deals. Being invited to Shang Tsung’s Mortal Kombat tournament meant roughing it, and it clearly didn’t sit well with him.

After mistaking Liu Kang for a common dockhand, he offered him money to take his luggage on board Tsung’s sail barge. Annoyed by Cage’s arrogance, Kang managed to keep his cool long enough to take his money before tossing his luggage into the water. Nonchalantly, Cage uttered this quote in a “glass-half-full” kind of manner.

7 “That Fate Of Billions Will Depend Upon You! (Laughing) ….Sorry.”

Christopher Lambert as Raiden

The original Mortal Kombat video game insinuated that the thunder God Raiden wasn’t particularly interested in the survival of humanity. His non-canonized ending saw him inviting other Gods to the tournament, with their subsequent deaths tearing the world—and probably the rest of the universe—apart.

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Raiden’s movie counterpart makes the same insinuation when he describes the importance of the Mortal Kombat tournament. He speaks this quote before starting to laugh in amusement, then humbly apologizing. It’s a clear indicator of the difference in perspective between Gods and mortals.

6 “What I Wanna’ Know Is…If This Shang Tsung Guy’s So Great…How Come He Got Such A Crummy Lookin’ Boat?”

Kano chats with Goro

It’s safe to say that Kano won’t be remembered in the halls of cinema’s greatest supervillains. As a member of the Black Dragon criminal syndicate, he certainly knew how to amass power and wealth, but it involved breaking every law in the book to get there. It’s no wonder that Shang Tsung hand-picked him as an accomplice, albeit reluctantly.

This quote sums up Kano’s take on things rather succinctly. He was no doubt used to the finer things in life, whether obtained by legal means or no. To see Shang Tsung’s rustic and traditional sail barge must have been a shock to a man who drove a few luxury speedboats in his time.

5 “It’s Not Her Mind You’re Admiring!”

Johnny Cage & Liu Kang

Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade started out in an antagonistic fashion towards one another, even if both were secretly crushing and didn’t want to admit it. When Cage, Blade, and Kang began nosing around Shang Tsung’s palace, they didn’t exactly do it discreetly.

When Sonya pursued Shang Tsung to shake him down and get information on Kano’s whereabouts, Johnny stopped to utter this quote in admiration. Liu Kang was quick to point out that he was far more superficial towards her than he was letting on.

4 “I Smell Something. Bull****!

Johnny Cage & Sonya Blade

Eventually, Johnny, Sonya, and Liu Kang made their way into the bowels of Tsung’s palace and found the exotic Kitana watching their every move. They persuaded her to talk and find out more information about what was going on, but she proved to be a rather wily pursuit.

Arrogant as ever, Johnny uttered this quote, suggesting that his olfactory senses were beyond that of the average mortal. When they ended up going around in a circle and emerging right back where they started, Sonya suggested that there was indeed a smell in the air, just not perfume.

3 “Yeah, Well, You Forgot Good Looking.”

Johnny Cage irritates Sonya

Proof that Sonya and Johnny were getting close came when she displayed her most unyielding frustration towards him. After watching Art Lean get beaten to a pulp and murdered in the ring by Goro, Johnny was shaken to his core. He knew that it was only a matter of time before the same fate would befall Sonya.

At that moment, he became the first of the three combatants to learn a valuable lesson about making a choice and sticking to it. That didn’t stop Sonya from venting on him as he walked away, but he replied back with this quote in typical Johnny Cage fashion.

2 “Those Were $500 Sunglasses, A******!”

Johnny Cage vs. Goro

Few quotes are as hilarious as this one uttered by Johnny Cage during his fight with the fearsome Goro. It all started with the latter grabbing his glasses out of his hand and crushing them before his eyes as Cage winced in discomfort. From there, the fight was on, and Cage utilized psychological attacks to whittle him down.

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After getting the drop on him via high ground, Cage spoke this quote to get his attention before kicking him straight in the face. He then pressed his attack long enough to knock him off the edge of a cliff. As Goro clung helplessly to the edge, Cage finished the match by adding “this is where you fall down!”

1 “I’m In A Hostile Environment, I’m Totally Unprepared. I’m Surrounded By A Bunch Of Guys Who Probably Want To Kick My Ass. It’s Like Being Back In High School!”

Johnny Cage & Liu Kang in Outworld

Johnny Cage and Liu Kang found themselves in quite a pickle when they pursued Shang Tsung through the portal between Earth realm and Outworld. Once there, they were plagued at the sight of decimation and destruction that had taken place under the rule of Shao Kahn.

As the two made their way to Tsung’s Outworld fortress, they were watched by the local inhabitants, some of which were probably the unsavory type. Never one to miss lightening the mood, Cage replied with this hilarious quote to cut the tension.

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